Goodnight, goodnight!

"This is one dangerous game you're playing Zic." The words I say to myself a billion times. Enough times for the words and letters to wrap my world whole. And as aware as I am of this fact, I feel that i am starting to -or probably have- succumbed to the addiction. The addiction in which i'm sure will one day eat me alive. Devour me whole as will the rings of hell -according to Dante's Inferno. But if it does, there's no one to blame but me. Little old confused -playing the victim- me.

Things have been going well so far here in UiTM. My upside down life that i've gotten so attached to on the outside world seems to be slowly tipping, and falling into place. The godforsaken abyss that i've been spiraling into feels like it's finally disintegrating, and to my advantage! Heck, i'd say that things are going great!

Well yeah, nothing comes without sacrifice. And though i am aware that some have sacrificed and lost more than i have, i still feel as if i've lost many bits and pieces of the broken glass that made up my life -of which i loved every moment. Every second, every minute, every hour, every day (BMTH) goes by with my mind stuck on the fact that i have given up so much for this. Let's hope it'll all be worth it. And so far, i feel as if it definitely will be. I know, i'm aware that i sound spoilt. But those who knew me,would know of how much i loved and cherished every asset that i had on the outside world. Obviously family, friends, and -back then- the only drug that kept me going and pushing like nobody's business -music. To be more specific, my band. Adam is in the UK, Affan is studying in Shah Alam, and i'm stuck here in Melaka striving for my own future and backup plan. The bits and pieces that made up our band has finally been washed away, as i've had to cancel oh so many plans. Songs to be composed, to be recorded, shows to be played, promises to be made. All washed away. And i have burnt oh so many promises since i've stepped into this realm. But trust my words, the moment i leave, the band i left will be my future. But till then...

"Can't you tell by the look in our eyes? We're going nowhere." 

Words from Bring Me The Horizon's upcoming track, Sempiternal. For some reason goosebumps scatter through my back and up my neck as I hear these lyrics. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it speaks to me, as for the longest time i've had a deep dark phobia of the future. Well not really the future, but more to the thought of growing up not amounting to anything. I still remember the thoughts that ran through my 7-year old self as I daydreamed in class. Thoughts and questions for the future, such as where would i be as a fully grown adult? I was scared of these questions, because for as long as I could remember, i could not and would not allow myself to flow with the mundane rivers of human life. I would not live and die without amounting to something more. Call me an attention whore or what you may, i've promised myself that in the end, i would. I would, make myself heard. Though it contradicts to my lack of speaking and social skills. But as i grew up, i noticed how music had the power and influence to let even the quietest of people make their roars heard. And i loved this.

Adam has moved to the UK, and as of last Saturday, i've enrolled into UiTM, Melaka. Which leaves Affan the only one in the area, and close to home. It's sad when I think about it; having all my friends move away, including me. Especially parting with the band that I have worked so hard on. Haha fuck, that was a selfish statement. The band was the sweat and blood of the three of us; as well as undying support by everyone around us. Its sad, leaving it behind. We've only relased 2 tracks for the moment. But as soon as i have time, i have plans of hiring Onet as a stand-in bassist for Adam. Im pretty sure he'd be great, seeing as i have been in a band with the guy before, and his commitment to music is undeniable. Oh, and very soon, i'll be working on a new project with Daniel and Lyssa. As much as i love punk-rock for it's simplicity and 'fuck you' attitude, i've always wanted to dip my hair into other genres. And with this new band, lets hope we can :) .