Goodnight, goodnight!

"This is one dangerous game you're playing Zic." The words I say to myself a billion times. Enough times for the words and letters to wrap my world whole. And as aware as I am of this fact, I feel that i am starting to -or probably have- succumbed to the addiction. The addiction in which i'm sure will one day eat me alive. Devour me whole as will the rings of hell -according to Dante's Inferno. But if it does, there's no one to blame but me. Little old confused -playing the victim- me.

Things have been going well so far here in UiTM. My upside down life that i've gotten so attached to on the outside world seems to be slowly tipping, and falling into place. The godforsaken abyss that i've been spiraling into feels like it's finally disintegrating, and to my advantage! Heck, i'd say that things are going great!

Well yeah, nothing comes without sacrifice. And though i am aware that some have sacrificed and lost more than i have, i still feel as if i've lost many bits and pieces of the broken glass that made up my life -of which i loved every moment. Every second, every minute, every hour, every day (BMTH) goes by with my mind stuck on the fact that i have given up so much for this. Let's hope it'll all be worth it. And so far, i feel as if it definitely will be. I know, i'm aware that i sound spoilt. But those who knew me,would know of how much i loved and cherished every asset that i had on the outside world. Obviously family, friends, and -back then- the only drug that kept me going and pushing like nobody's business -music. To be more specific, my band. Adam is in the UK, Affan is studying in Shah Alam, and i'm stuck here in Melaka striving for my own future and backup plan. The bits and pieces that made up our band has finally been washed away, as i've had to cancel oh so many plans. Songs to be composed, to be recorded, shows to be played, promises to be made. All washed away. And i have burnt oh so many promises since i've stepped into this realm. But trust my words, the moment i leave, the band i left will be my future. But till then...

"Can't you tell by the look in our eyes? We're going nowhere." 

Words from Bring Me The Horizon's upcoming track, Sempiternal. For some reason goosebumps scatter through my back and up my neck as I hear these lyrics. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it speaks to me, as for the longest time i've had a deep dark phobia of the future. Well not really the future, but more to the thought of growing up not amounting to anything. I still remember the thoughts that ran through my 7-year old self as I daydreamed in class. Thoughts and questions for the future, such as where would i be as a fully grown adult? I was scared of these questions, because for as long as I could remember, i could not and would not allow myself to flow with the mundane rivers of human life. I would not live and die without amounting to something more. Call me an attention whore or what you may, i've promised myself that in the end, i would. I would, make myself heard. Though it contradicts to my lack of speaking and social skills. But as i grew up, i noticed how music had the power and influence to let even the quietest of people make their roars heard. And i loved this.

Adam has moved to the UK, and as of last Saturday, i've enrolled into UiTM, Melaka. Which leaves Affan the only one in the area, and close to home. It's sad when I think about it; having all my friends move away, including me. Especially parting with the band that I have worked so hard on. Haha fuck, that was a selfish statement. The band was the sweat and blood of the three of us; as well as undying support by everyone around us. Its sad, leaving it behind. We've only relased 2 tracks for the moment. But as soon as i have time, i have plans of hiring Onet as a stand-in bassist for Adam. Im pretty sure he'd be great, seeing as i have been in a band with the guy before, and his commitment to music is undeniable. Oh, and very soon, i'll be working on a new project with Daniel and Lyssa. As much as i love punk-rock for it's simplicity and 'fuck you' attitude, i've always wanted to dip my hair into other genres. And with this new band, lets hope we can :) .

It's been another long while since i last posted. I guess I'm just gonna hafta come to terms with the fact that my short attention span will only allow me to write one post per month, haha. But ironically, i think of posting each and every day. I think of words, similes, and idioms to describe my daily life, and imagine myself posting on my blog each night. But in the end, it's still all in my mind. To be frank, i talk to myself haha.

There's been alot of dramatic twists and turns these past few months. I'm working alot more, sleep alot less, and things have been going great here in Klang. Sure it was painful during the first few months of the moving period, but now i'd say that im perfectly comfortable living here. Though, my friends live a kilometer away, seeing as i dont mix well with the people from this housing area. And oh, i'm no longer in contact with a few people. People of whom i thought were part of my circle of true friends. But i guess at the age of 18, you cant really tell. But for my friends whom have stuck with me thus far, either from Klang or Puchong, oh i do love them to bits. That includes family.

I skate alot less nowadays seeing as i work at least 11/12 hours a day. And when i actually do have time for recreation, i'd rather spend it sleeping or loitering around rather than on my one and only extreme sport. But i still do try to keep fit though, by the means of working out in my own room, cause the air here will not allow me to jog every evening.

My new band is doing well. The chemistry is starting to grow, and if all goes well, we'll be releasing a demo track within a month or two :) .

So thats basically it, i left out a few parts. More than 'a few' actually, seeing as if i wanted to write down the full story of my 2/3 months, it'd be a hardcover book by itself, much like Harry Potter. So here, im just gonna add some photos from last night, we went to Mona Fandey the murderer's abandoned mansion.

It's time to be truthful.

Things have been going rather well lately. Very well i'd say, seeing as all the mood-swings from a few weeks back have stopped. It's amazing how simple events can influence one's mind for such a long period of time. And in this case, mine. But i'm grateful that things are going well now. I feel like the grasp i have on my life is getting tighter. Not tight enough though, i still need time. But i'm pretty sure soon enough i'll get to the point where the sands of my life no longer slip through my fingers. But it's the waiting part that gets me anticipating the most.

Like i was discussing with Fara earlier, we don't notice the small things we put up with as we go through life. This appeals to a wide range of subjects, but mainly the relationships you have with people. (More like, the relationships I have with people, cause i'm being such a narcissist). After moving, what i've noticed is that over time, i tend to overlook matters. As small as it may be, we are dealing with humans, which means that the smallest detail matters. But all in all, i was amazed by the fact that i was putting up with various attitudes of friends, thinking that it was the best thing to do. Accept and adapt. But since moving, i've learned otherwise. It's not about adapting. It's mutual acceptance.

To add to that, whats been playing on my mind is the fact that how can one person play such an immense role in your life over such a small period. And by that immense role, no i dont mean to influence or change a person. But instead, im referring to how a relationship with someone you barely knew could open your eyes to such an extent. Like in my case, who knew that spending time with someone over a fairly short period of three months could turn my life around almost completely. And yes, that is a good thing coming from someone somewhat antisocial. But all im trying to say is that a single person could turn your life upside down from a black abyss to bliss within a matter of seconds. And in my case, i'm grateful i've met that oh-short person, that managed to open up my eyes if not alot at least by one bit. But no, i wont dismiss the friends and family that have always been with me. They've been with me through ups and downs, like i would for them. No words could describe how grateful i am towards these people, as annoying as the may be at times.

Oh, and we went to genting a few weeks back. With the whole crew, Affan, Afiq, Faqrul, Pian, Naqia, Oppie, and Kecik. May i state that it was indeed a great day. As cold as it was, the emotional warmth was there, as i was surrounded by these people. That day was a small chip of heaven for me. Thanks

Appreciate what you have. Or rather, what you had. Or in this case, what i have and/or had. The thought has been on my mind for several hours now. Currently, its 2 am, on the 31st of December. Which means that in about 10 hours or so, the year of 2011 is finally coming to an end. It's been an eventful year. Unfortunately i'm not much of a writer at this hour. But to sum it all up, things have been up and down. Made friends, lost friends. Went through hardships (especially a few months back), went through bliss. But yes, as H A R D as it was, all in all, i had a great year.

Why don't I have even the right to remain silent? I am goddamn fucking sick of the same shit. Everyone else throws tantrums, quarrel, disrupt the peace. And yet, as soon as i show the slightest bit of temper, all hell breaks loose. Don't get me wrong; i love my family, acquaintances, friends, and the people around me. But can't somebody just fucking understand that i have my own problems to deal with. To be tampered with is the last thing that i need right now. Yes, my problems might seem miniscule. But goddamn, problems are subjective. They might be ants to you people, but fuck they mean my sanity. And at this point, i'm no longer sure as to how much longer i can keep it. And note to self, being so hypocritical does not help, as it's fucked up acting sane when you're not. Unfortunately this is me. The water is boiling, and fuck i wish somebody would just understand.

I've been thinking a whole lot these past few weeks. But then again, i've always been one to linger on pointless thoughts. But as SPM is done with, the habit seems to be manifesting itself even larger. Especially when i contemplate on the future, and just what am doing, or should be doing exactly, yes that does sound narcissistic. All in all, daily life doesn't help one bit, as it's not easy being constantly surrounded by people with numerous talents; much unlike myself. And oh yes, i am comparing myself to the people around me fyi. But haha, heck, im not doubting myself. I'm just facing the music, much like the persona in this poem above did. Music has always been good to me. But all i could say now is, without the necessary talent, all i have left to stand on is hard-work and determination. Let's hope that would suffice.